Grief, Alarms & Him

Today’s card was incredibly hard to write. I learned that a friend had been in a car wreck about a week or so ago. I knew he was in ICU. I knew his fiance, who had also been injured) was seeing to him. I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I didn’t reach out to him to tell him that I was thinking of him. I did tell him that through his love but not from my own fingers, my own voice, my own heart.

I set myself an alarm last night for this morning. That alarm was to call the hospital this morning at 8am sharp. At 7:45am I learned that he had passed away. At 7:50 my phone beeped to remind me I had to call the hospital.

I missed my chance to tell him how much I loved him. I know he knew/knows that I love him. He was an amazing Scorpio man. He made an impression on those that knew him.

But I was so angry. He’d lost one love to cancer only to find another one on the other side of the country. He was happy. He was ready to start this new love off. Instead a car hit them. He didn’t survive the hospitalization.

And I didn’t call him. I’ve been struggling with that all morning. I didn’t call. Oh I can say it was because he was in ICU…that I didn’t want to disturb him. But the bottom line is I didn’t call him. And I’m angry about that. And I’m angry that the Universe would take him away like this.

Gods. I’m so angry about it.

So I’ve taken some time this morning to call and text and email people. This is a fairly tightly knit group of friends who are family. I wanted some of them to not see the news online. I wanted them to hear it from someone who loved them. Those calls were hard but they did bring me joy.

Today.

When I was sobbing snotty tears, I found joy.

It wasn’t huge.
It didn’t replace the sorrow.

It was a momentary laugh with a friend who knew him. We laughed about that the old man might say if he knew we were carrying on like this. We laughed about broken headboards and maids coming into hotel rooms. We laughed about his love of a dive BBQ place.

I’m going to hold on to those seconds right now because I truly need them. I’m going to miss this man. I’m going to miss him a lot.

I’m also going to make sure that my friends know that I love them. I’m going to make sure that we stay close.

This mandala? Oh well. I made it last night while I focused on sending love and light to my dear friend. I saw his face, heard his wry laugh and knew he knew I was there.

His Mandala, Arwen Lynch, 12/26/2012. R.I.P. honey.

Seek Joy, y’all. Pass it on.