Gunpowder, Gasoline & Napalm

Do you do a daily draw or pick a card each morning? I don’t always, but I do advocate for it. I think it does two things that are good in for Tarot enthusiasts.

One, you cannot help but become more familiar with your cards. It’s a more intimate way to connect with them because it forces you to dig more deeply into the cards. Sometimes in a full spread, you tend to skim over the cards that you would rather not know more about. I see it as an avoidance technique. I’m very very good at it. Are you?

Two, for me, it gives me a focus for the day. I use it for what I should think about that day rather than what will happen. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not one who says Tarot is not for divination. Of course it is for divination. (insert DUH face here, y’all) I have a soapbox I’ve been trying to stay off of lately but the more I hear (often typed or spoken in super sanctimonious tones), “Oh I don’t use Tarot for divination.” If you can add an upper nasal sniff, you’ve got the hoity-toity down. And yes, it hits a big ol’ Arwen hates elitism button.

But I digress. I am not talking about the Tarot prejudices that I see. I am talking about the daily card. Or, in my case, cards.

You see, I have adapted a technique that I learned from another Tarotist (and for the life of me, I can’t remember.) That is the idea of the Shadow card or the card on the bottom of the deck. Someone said they saw this as the one thing we didn’t want to hear because it was the furthest away from us. That hit me in a game-changing way. I mean think about it.

What if you couldn’t avoid what you were trying to avoid? What if you had to face the thing you feared/disliked/denied the most? What if that was your Shadow Self? What if you did that on a daily basis?

Just think about it for a bit.

Today I did my daily draw and added in the Shadow card.

My daily card was the Two of Cups. Oh joy! Oh rapture! Waterfalls of love while I dance in unrelenting joy with a lovely dog companion. *FIST PUMP* I mean what’s not to love about this card. It shows me as I see myself. In love with life. Seeking joy. Embracing all of nature as a whole. Immersing myself in this beautiful partnership of self.

My shadow card? The Ten of Fire. Scorched earth policy. Eradicate everything so you can start over. Ouch. That’s a bit harsh. And quite far away from the la-la-la Two of Water. I mean really. Ten of Fire blazing away as my shadow–the thing I don’t want to think about? WAAAAH! I want my mommy!

You see, I ended my relationship with a perfectly wonderful guy this week. He and I chatted about somethings that I need in my life. Basically, I’m a touchy-feely girl and he’s a very reserved fella. (NOTE: I am a Queer Femme and depending on who I am with, I use the pronoun that they prefer. Adjust your mirrors accordingly.)

So we came to the very civilized realization that I need what he can’t give. Not won’t give. Can’t. It’s not in his nature. And I am not in this life to change someone to fit my needs. I don’t need or want that kind of ongoing struggle in my life. We are still friends but have ended the partnership that existed.

So I think that this combination is referring me to my own need to burn bridges. In the past, I have eradicated personal relationships that didn’t work. And I am talking gunpowder, gasoline and Napalm, y’all. My Scorpio moon makes me “not a nice person” when I’m emotionally out-of-control. I recently told a friend who relayed his “hitting bottom” story with alcohol that my “hitting bottom” was realizing how emotionally manipulative I was.

And I was very very good at it. I could trigger a White Knight Response ™ in under five minutes or push a button in three if someone had cheesed me off. It wasn’t until I lost someone I consider the love of my life (have reconsidered that, lol) as well as some very good friends and a job that I loved, that I realized that I was out of control. I have done a lot of work. A. Lot. Of. WORK. My “seek joy, y’all” motto was born from this work.

I see this card combination as a reminder that burning bridges may sometimes feel good at the beginning, but it doesn’t serve me so well in my life. The backburn should be controlled rather than left to rage out of control. I don’t need to stuff my emotional responses down or hide them beneath a false positive of “I’m joyful. Yay” either. I need to control what I feel so that I can feel it and experience it but not let it control me.

So sometimes, there’s sadness and anger in my hula hoop. But it’s like any thing else in my life. It needs to be cleaned and polished frequently.

What’s in your hoop, y’all?

The card images are from the Gaian Tarot. The shoe has no meaning other than I think it is a killer heel. 😀