Crying and Driving

Why can I not get beyond this shit? I cried for G today. Did you know that I am getting much much better at driving while crying? WTF is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let this go. Why does it still hurt me so much? How can I still love them both so much when it is so obvious to me that they don’t love me in that way. And what the fuck does that mean? In that way?

In that way
that you would move my hair from my face
In that way
that you would lean down for a kiss
In that way
that you would give me a crooked smile
In that way

I miss that so much.

I can’t even write SUCKY poetry about it. It hurts that damned bad. And that is just stupid. I want to be strong. I don’t want to hurt. I want this lump in my throat to go away now, thank you very much. I want my eyes to stop imitating waterfalls. I want to stop hurting. And it just sneaks up on me some days. I will be driving and then BAM it just hits me. How can I prepare for that. When I pick up the phone and whisper I love you, G. and hope that she hears even though I never actually called. I am so tired of the tears.

I hurt so bad right now emotionally as well as physically. I had to get the 40# of dog food, the 40# of cat food and the 21 lbs of cat litter out of my car. Then I had to get the dog food in the garage and lift it again to feed the poor wuppies. Then I collapsed and ate my lunch/dinner. Then I moved the cat food down and filled up the small 5# can and took it in the bathroom. It’s the lifting and bending and standing and walking that hurt. Other than that, it’s just fucking fine. Now I have to do the cat box which means emptying it totally because I don’t clean it daily and then taking that heavy otherucker outside and coming back in and filling the thing back up. Then I will just collapse again. I had asked for help with this a while back, but I only asked S and she’s been so very busy. 🙁 And I know P’s been crazily busy so I didn’t want to bother her.

I had an emergency trip to the dr Friday afternoon. Urinalysis came back clear. They did an EKG, that came back clear. They did bloodwork and will call me on Monday. I see the dr on Tuesday again. I almost wish they’d put me in the hospital. At least then I wouldn’t have to think so much. And I would know why people are ignoring me. yeah yeah, I know. Everyone has their own problems these days.

This is just Arwen being a sad sack like usual. The show is coming up and we need to find a photographer. That is a huge fly in the ointment but I am sure St did it for the best of reasons. But it is hard for me as Ass’t Show Manager to have to deal with it.

Can I just say that I want my Mama right now and leave it at that? Days like this I just want to call her and talk to her. She could always make me laugh and I really miss her. This will be my third Samhain since she’s died and I will still be alone for it. No, I don’t want sympathy invites, thanks. I am just pointing out a pattern. And no, there is no fucking way I can come to the college Samhain. Not if it is scheduled to end at 2:30 in the godsdamned morning. I have to be at the bird show at 7am. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to function that late anyway so have a great ritual.

October 26, 2003

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