One of the great perks of being a member of the Gaian Tarot Circle is the TechnoReading. I can pull one card for a daily affirmation reading. My question was just “What should I blog about today?” I had just finished writing to a friend telling her about some fears I am having about an upcoming meeting with a potential love interest.
My first impression was that this was me. Emotional response was a gut squeeze of panic and a heart nod of “I need to nurture me.”
It reminds me of my own inability to let go of my fears. Wait. Not inability. Reluctance is a better word. I can let go of my fears. I think I’m afraid to. Isn’t that an oxymoron, y’all? Afraid to let go of fear.
But it’s been such a safety net for me–this fear. I’ve been able to hold people off just enough so that I wasn’t too close to them. I stayed close to my fears of inadequacy, of being less-than, of being not enough. I built a mini-tower of lies to myself.
I’ve never connected this card with the Tower before. But consider it. The Tower is that BigBadBohemeth card, right? It’s when our world crumbles beneath us. Everything is going up in smoke. But with the 9 of Air (9 of Swords), you are immersed/entrenched/embedded in nightmares and anxiety. I often call this the “tail-chasing” card.
In one of my decks, the Fradella Adventure Tarot, the card shows someone sitting on a bed. There is one real sword beside them but eight others seemingly fly at him from the this shadowy figure. That figure is the Puppet Master and none of his blades are real. The only real blade is the one the man can reach.
Similarly, in the Gaian Tarot, the woman seems to be afraid of what’s not there. A spirit mask of a bear looms in the gathering storm clouds. But if you look at the mask, there is nothing ominous about it. It just seems to be watching. But if it bears a message, the woman will never hear it. She’s got her good ear pressed to the post listening to the whispers of her fears. You see, she’s used this post as a touchstone. She’s poured all of her fears into it. She’s so involved in this post that nothing else can get in.
That’s how I’m seeing this card today. That this is a mini-Tower in a way. I can allow my fears to continue to build until I am in a full-blown Tower conniption fit. Or, I can step back. Listen to the message in the gathering storm. Learn what I need to do to take care of me. By letting go of those fears that I’m having around this relationship, I won’t anchor it on the instability of that pole.
When you do this online reading, it’s different from most. It doesn’t tell you the answer at first. It asks you a series of questions to help you get into the card. This enable you (or at least me) to pull more out of the card. One thing you are asked to do at the end of this in-depth, three-part reading is write an affirmation.
Here is mine.
I am stronger than the pole of my fears that I think supports me. I can let go and hope.
Here’s to hope in the new year.
Here’s to happiness as well.
I am going to let go now. I hope the landing will be a soft one.